Adam's stories....

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Adam's stories....

Postby thedancer37 » Fri Dec 04, 2009 1:13 pm

Where are they? You said that you would send me some new stories if I gave you my email address...

jesse.streeter@hotmail.com


I remember one you wrote about a sock back in the day. He was some sort of a sock super hero. Has he been up to any new adventures?
Peter: This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur skeltons.) Why did all the dinosaurs die out?

Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.
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Re: Adam's stories....

Postby larry tate » Fri Dec 04, 2009 7:34 pm

Just sent some. Sorry, Handsome, I totally forgot about that, but I also woke up in a weird place that night. Thanks for the reminder, and no, I haven't written any sock stories since I was 19, but I did write a goat story that I can't currently find.

Your friend,
Laurence Tate, Esq.
Taking retards to the zoo.
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Re: Adam's stories....

Postby larry tate » Thu Dec 10, 2009 4:54 pm

Hi everyone,

I'm intending to drive to Denver for a writer's convention April 7-10. If anyone would like to go, I'll have some room, but I'm sorry, you can't sit on my lap. It's gonna be cheap as fuck and hopefully fun, so have at it if you're interested.

Here's a very short story. Hope you enjoy it.
Adam


'A Falling Fat Lady and a Decapitated Bird'

We were given 10 minutes either to write our own eulogies or to write about a famous dead person who we’d like to meet. We then had to read it in front of the class. At first I’d planned to write a one sentence eulogy: “He was born, he saw a fat lady fall off of a riding lawnmower, and he died.” This would have been followed up with a heart-rending rendition of the theme song to the 80’s sitcom The Facts of Life. I was slightly stoned, so I was afraid that I might muff up the song. Even though I didn’t know if he was still alive, I decided to tell about how I’d like to meet the guy that played Larry Mondello on Leave it to Beaver.

Larry was Beaver’s best friend when the show started, but was eventually replaced by Gilbert and Whitey after a few seasons. I explained this (while excluding any mention of Gilbert), adding that I wasn’t sure of Larry’s current mortal existence, and I told why I preferred the on-air presence of Larry over Whitey. The entire story was told only so that I could end it with the line “I hate Whitey.”

Several years later I’m still fortunate enough to be attending college and writing little bits of crap like this. I got home from college the other day to relieve the babysitter, and a black bird was lying in my driveway. The kids had told me of it over the phone, but I thought they said it was in the road and I told them to stay the fuck away from it. So I get home and there’s this bird lying in the driveway with flies in its eye, looking dead. I poked it with a stick and the bird moved. I told the kids to get inside and go to their rooms, which they did. I went to the shed, took out my machete, went over and cut the bird’s head off in one stroke. Then I picked up both bird parts with a snow shovel and dropped it down a storm sewer. The kids had seen all this from their bedroom windows.

That eulogy I wrote could go one of two ways now, either “he saw a fat lady fall off a riding lawnmower,” or “he decapitated a black bird in front of his children.” The kids and I actually did see a fat lady fall off a riding lawnmower once while we were driving down a back road. Because it was so unexpected, I nearly shit myself laughing; I almost had to pull over. The kids thought it was funny too, but they felt that we should’ve stopped and checked on her to make sure she was alright, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to embarrass the poor woman any more than she already was. Plus I didn’t have my machete on me.
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